Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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