youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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