You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
