Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
