Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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