I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
