If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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