It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
