Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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