Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
