Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Randomize
