So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
