my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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