im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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