Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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