The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
