I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
