Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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