We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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