when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
