Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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