I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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