Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
