Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
