I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
