I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
