Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
