ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
