i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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