Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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