why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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