Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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