I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
