Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Randomize
