The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
