i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
