god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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