took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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