apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
