youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
