when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
