a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
