I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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