After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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