I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
