Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
