Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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