is your mom at the bar?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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