There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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