I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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