i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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