Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
